Sunday, 12 January 2020

Ramblings Of A Silly Old Man - CHAPTER TWELVE


This next ramble is for men only. It is,honestly. Germaine Greer, aged eighty Google says you are still around, close your eyes and do not read beyond the full stop at the end of this sentence. Germaine Greer and the Womens Liberation Movement enthusing the female sex to burn they braziers. No pyrotechnics on my account please, just go away and do your own things ladies, the washing up is waiting, this is not a chapter for you.

My Nan was born in 1890, women did not get the vote in England until 1918 when Nan was twenty-eight years old. She coped well enough with life for almost thirty years so what is the point of the weaker sex having the vote anyway ? The Silly Old Man is here excluding you all for just one chapter. Back to the kitchen and get on with the washing up.

OK then to my fellow male readers can I ask you a question: What kind of brute are you ?  We'll come to answer that question and correct my deliberate spelling mistake in a moment. Before then what kind of perfume does you lady wear ?  How much of your hard earned cash does she spend on perfume ?  Is she a Harrods person or does she buy at the self-service check outs in Boots ?  Tesco ?  We won't even go there !

Next question:  How old were you when you first started to shave ?  Did you use after shave lotion when you first cut away the bum fluff from your face.

When you were an adolescent did you have those annoying little zits on your face ? A hormone outburst which no amount of washing would banish. Anyone remember the white tubes of Tackle ? A bit like toothpaste but squeezing out a delicious smelling red gel to wipe over your face to Tackle zits. It was masculine with a sexy aroma which should have drawn our female counterparts but no teenage girl wanted romance with a spotty face of a boyfriend. Tackle mean spots. Damn !

So did you use after shave lotion or if your razor was a little more sophisticated cologne ? Problem was for us lads it was boring stuff like Max Factor For Men, the scent of old age. But a teenager old enough to shave had to use something.

Hey ladies, does your hubby wet shave or does he use an electric razor ?  Caught you !  so you are reading this chapter even if you are banned.  Finish washing up have you ? Go and hoover the stairs and leave this chapter to we men.

When in history did mankind start shaving ?  Probably around the same time as they started picking their noses and brushing their teeth. In the case of George Washington he probably used the same wood plane on his teeth as he did to cut away hair from his face. he didn't have a beard did he ?

Ronson, Remmington, the electric shavers used by most men, the same as when I first passed through this man rite of passage.

Speaking as one who has been shaving for significantly more than five decades I can confirm that shaving is a morning chore I could do without. I am sure every other man in the world would agree with me but not a man in the world would prefer to have a naturally smooth face. Smooth faces are for the weaker sex, ladies would you not agree ?

Colonel Jacob Schick patented the first electric razor in 1930.  Can you still buy Schick Shavers ?  You could when I started but they were the Jaguar of the shaving industry and far too expensive for my pocket.

So gentlemen, after all that waffle - I mean ramble, what kind of a Brute are you ?  Allow me to correct my deliberate mistake and ask you again, What kind of Brut are you ?  Yes, Brute minus the B.

As you have been meandering you way through my ramblings, the ramblings of a silly old man, you will know that as a seventeen year old I was shaving my dark heavy beard every morning before starting work in Lewis's Department Store in Birmingham. You will have read about my brilliant career. Lewis's had the right idea, it had one rate of pay for its female members of staff and a higher rate for we men doing the same job. After all we were better at the job as women failing to rise up the promotion ladder demonstrated.

Faberge was forced to stop making ornate golden Easter Eggs for the Russian Tsar in 1917, fifty years on it came up with the idea to make a cologne for men.  I am not sure Tsar Nicholas would have approved. Hang on for a moment while I extract my tongue from my cheek.

Faberge then had the idea of targeting its new product at we younger me. The company called its product Brute but spelt it Brut.  This was an expensive premium product bottled in a distinct green container. It was aimed at middle class young men, I was a middle class young man.

I was given box after box of miniature green bottles of Brut to give out to staff and customers exciting them to purchase full size bottles and to make it their personal fragrance.

My first sniff, I did  not like this Brut. It was different but I was not sure. Those to whom I gave the samples in general rejected it. I ended up with most of the sample bottles for myself. Then came the TV advertising campaign featuring British Heavyweight Boxing Champion Henry Cooper, a national hero.

Splash it all over Henry.

Fortunes started to change and I was sitting on a fortune in sample bottles, all mine.

Yes, I became a daily user of Brut by Faberge. I still am, there's a bottle of Brut in my bathroom right now as I am writing.

The great smell of Brut and the punch of Ali - Cassius Clay, Mohammed Ali, world heavyweight boxing champion.

Boxing is a man's sport isn't it ?  I mean a lady would never watch fisticuffs. Faberge never branched out into the world of female fragrances. There are some things that are for men  and there are are other things which belong in the female world. Brut is for men and the only place within it for women is to but it as a gift for their boyfriend or husband.

So reading through this ramble does that mean The Silly Old Man is a sexist ?  No, not at all. Does that mean The Silly Old Man thinks that men are superior to women  ?   I am not sure about that word superior. Let me change the sentence: is a woman equal to a man ?  the answer to that question is a definite and emphatic NO. Turn the sentence around: Is a man equal to a woman ? NO.

Men and women are not equal, they never have been and never will be.In some areas of life man is infinitely superior to woman. In others a woman outranks a man. Nature created two sexes, endowing them with different attributes, abilities and qualities. Let's keep it that way shall we.

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