Monday, 6 January 2020

Ramblings Of A Silly Old Man - CHAPTER SEVEN


There is only one thing more infuriating ridiculous and user unfriendly than a computer running on Microsoft Windows and that is a computer printer, Damn things !

It is my misfortune to own  a Canon printer.  You've seen the advert - Only Canon Can. Balderdash !  Only Canon Can't - big time. 

Click to print and the damn thing whirrs, whizzes, coughs and splutters then throws in a quick sneeze for good measure before blowing its nose. If you are lucky enough and live long enough you may get a sheet of paper emerging with the information into the world of people.

Don't get prematurely excited with anticipation when you initially click the mouse you may well be asked if you want to print because you have not set the margins to the width of a football pitch. The connection cable had been previously been disconnected, it's connected now but do you still want to print the document ?  Would you prefer a trip to the dark side of the moon ?  You'll find more sanity there than in your printer.  Your ink is running low, you only have enough to print another three hundred pages so do you wish to proceed ?

When the ink does eventually run out - 

By volume printer ink costs more than vintage champagne.

Try opening the packaging Canon uses to prevent users accessing a new cartridge. You need a chain saw with a very sharp blade but Canon does not sell them !

So you eventually break through the external packaging only to find your cartridge in a little plastic box. Across the top is a layer of cellophane fixed in place by superglue.  Ignore the bit which says open here, go back and sharpen the blade on your chain saw. Finally there is a think strip of plastic stuff covering the print head. It's not funny is it ?  No surprise you have to have a Swiss bank account in order to afford to install a replacement cartridge into a Canon Can't Printer !

But you are not there yet, you will need a Phd in mechanical stupidity to do the next bit. Under no circumstances follow the manufacturer's instructions, to do that would take more time than it would take for a one legged kangaroo to hop round the equator. No, do not follow the Canon instructions. remember they used to make guns for warships. Instead, open the access flap then when the cartridge holder starts to move grab it and hold it in a vice grip, under no circumstances allow it to escape. Snatch the empty cartridge and throw it across the room in frustrated anger. Do it quickly before Canon throws one of its original twenty pounder products at you. You can then thrust in the replacement cartridge. Close the mud flap, cross your fingers and pray.

The computer, of course, is stupid and suffers from Tourettes Syndrome. You will be asked another question. A new ink cartridge is detected, do wish to continue ? Of course I sodding well do, now get on with it and do the job you are paid to do !  Pay ? A Canon printer geek is paid more than a Premier League Player. Enough said.

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