Saturday, 28 December 2019

The Ramblings Of A Silly Old Man - CHAPTER THREE


If I were to ask you what invention has had the greatest impact on Mankind what would you say ?  Mankind since Adam and Eve fooled around with a Golden Delicious from the fruit counter in their local supermarket.

FIRE I hear someone saying. No, that was a discovery not an invention. What invention since the time when the dinosaurs rexed about carefree and datcyl? 

It is, of course the wheel. No wheel mean no cars, lorries, trains and supermarket trolleys for Adam and Eve to push their apples about in the supermarket. It means no machines, no buttons to turn things on and off. No roller skates or wheelie trainers. Oh dear. No traffic roundabouts but that wouldn't matter because there would be nothing to drive round them.

A world without the wheel, it could not exist could it and Chet Atkins could not have had his 1960 hit, not simply because there were no wheels for his guitar to pluck its strings about but because there would have been no 7" vinyl singles on which to release it. I wonder how many of you reading this paragraph have a clue what I am talking about.

But, oh dear, when I asked my question I wonder how man sad numskulls said The Smart Phone.

Smart phone, that's a contradiction in terms. A smart phone is a compensatory aid. If you twist your ankle the doctor ill give you a crutch to help you walk. If yout eyesight is less than 2020 you wear glasses. If you suffer from hearing loss you wear a compensatory hearing aid. If you are totally thick and stupid you can have a compensatory aid called a smart phone. Only people who are not smart by nature need to use a smart phone.

Just look at those walking down the road, oblivious of their surroundings and all that is happening, for them the only thing existing is their zombie phone. Brain dead, please do not tell me they are smart people.

In 1955 British inventor, NOTE British, Christoper Cockerel gave us the hovercraft. Do you know what a hovercraft was ?  Is ?  It's a damn sight more smart than a zombie phone !  It was supposed to change the world transport system. It didn't. I once traveled across the English Chanel to France on a Hoverlloyd Hovercraft Ferry. The difference between the two is the hovercraft was a good invention while the smart phone needs to be eradicated and exterminated from mankind.

Alan Turing gave the world its first computer a mechanical machine where wheels turned endlessly computing their calculations. If Alan Turing could see what Microsoft has done to its invention I am sure he would have issued an instruction to axe his invention and spare the world from the garbage-ridden twenty-first century and thicko geeks who presume we need Windows ever second of our lives. That includes the smart phone zombies. Microsoft, rename it Macrohard for them.

I go into schools and talk with teenagers, all were born after the onset of he internet and can no comprehend a world without it. Let me remind you that the internet was invented by BRITISH inventor Tim Berners-Lee. If you ask me he was an American spy funded by Bill Gates. Where was I ? Yes...  No internet, how did we cope ?  We did cope and did not need the world's worst invention of the zobie phone.  One of those stupid phones has more computing power than then entire NASA Control used to end man to walk on the moon. However, if you put the brains of every smart phone user together would not reach the the level of intelligence of the big toenail on the left foot of Ham the chimpanzee launched into space on 31st January 1961.

I recall my father when he was chief cashier for a giant civil engineering company engaging the services of a computer to process the weekly wages. Even though it was a multi-million pound business it could not possibly afford to buy a computer of its own, the company outsourced the work to a computer bank. I recall Dad saying the problem with computers was as well as giving you the information you asked for it gave you loads more than you asked for and put you feeling obliged to employ a member of staff to use it even if it was useless. Alan Turing .what do you think ?  Microsoft wipe that smile off your silly face ! Let's as a smart phone user for a comment. What's Information ?  I don't think I have an information ap on my phone.

I am thinking it would have been in 1976 or perhaps 1977, the headmaster was speaking to his staff explaining there was a couple of hundred pounds left in the the budget, what could we spend it on ?  When I suggested the school buy a computer he went into orbit saying the council would say if we had money to waste on a computer obviously we had too much money so our budget would be cut the following year.

My first personal computer was a Commodore Vic 20, anyone member them ? At 16 mega bites it was the most powerful computer you could buy. Alan Sugar had his Amstrad brand where there was no internal memory, everything had to be stored on floppy discs. 

Another memory, another rambling from The Silly Old Man. The Open University set up a one day course for key areas in the community. I was there representing education, a friend was there representing the police. In front of everyone was one of Alan Sugar's Amstrad Computers. A giant box which the Open University had wired to every other computer in the room. Alan, I do wish you had not,given up on computers, if you had stuck with it we would have all been spared the evils of Microsoft. Mr Sugar,  you are far too intelligent to have cursed the world with smart phones.

Anyway, the professor at The Open University stood up to begin his lecture: You may have heard of something new called the Internet.  We all looked blank.  Today I am going to tell you about what we are calling Electronic Mail. As I listened I could not see any point in it, no point at all.

My secretary is pretty good at typing a letter, I explained.

But this is instant, you don't have to wait for the postman to deliver your letter.

We have telephones for that, I sarcastically replied.

But with electronic mail you can attach documents.

Have you never heard of a fax machine ?  (Have you ?)

The professor then set the group members a task to send an electronic mail message to another member of the group. Nobody succeeded. Nobody, not a single one.

OK, yes I will agree that e-mails are good but not when sent from a zombie phone. When it comes to intelligence I do not need a compensatory aid,

I had to attend a meeting in a school a couple of years ago. I went to the reception from where an e-mail was sent to the smart phone of the zombie member of staff I was to meet with. If the role were reversed I would have been in the reception in plenty of time to meet my guest, I would not need some thicko app to call me.

Google, Apple, Microsoft don't we just love to hate you.  Tell me is Twitter installed on a smart phone as standard ?  I mean Twitter is for twits isn't it ?

Installed as standard !  Microsoft has to be the world's most evil company, an institution where customer service are two words never to have entered its lexicon. Take a trip to PC World, another institution thinking customers are just items on its money-making conveyor belt. When you have taken your life into your hands and are inside P C World try to buy a new laptop malfunctioning on Windows. P C World will be very quick to take your money in return for a semi-functioning laptop computer. You will then be asked if you want to purchase the optional extra of Microsoft Office, home or business version.  A Microsoft Windows computer is pretty useless without Office. P C World will happily sell you a package to install yourself or rip you off with an additional fee to do it for you.

Think of it this way. It is like going to a car dealer to buy a car.   You are asked if you would like the optional extra of four wheels. Will you be wanting to pay the dealer even more money to put them on the car for you or will you carry them home and do it yourself ?

Alan Turing, what do you make of this scenario ?

How long before these sad, pathetic smart phone manufacturers adapt their creations to making a phone call an optional extra ?

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