I need to restructure my life. The balance is not right. The balance is all over the place !
It is coming up to three months since my beloved daughter died suddenly and
unexpectedly. Inside my body my heart is ripping apart but the emotions it is
trying to display are masked, hidden and are being prevents from outworking
themselves. I have not cried, I want to cry but I can not cry.
In memory and in honour of my daughter I am running
OurRebekah but the
project has taken over my life. I am spending most of my day either at the
laptop or out attending meetings as I set up activities within
When things are going well I am on a high, I am on top of the world. When things
do not go as I want I become angry and frustrated. Rebekah was at the centre of
my life, since childhood her illness had put her there, I have replaced her with
If you were to read through all of these diary entries going back to
April you will see how much I have changed. That change is not for the good. The
balance in my life has disappeared. I am obsessed with the project I am running
for Beck. If I do not step back and change things that project could well fail.
I have got to restructure my life and restore a balance.
I have stopped writing. Diary entries here have become few, one a week on
average. I just have not had time to write any more in my story
The Bridge House. I
have made the excuse that I will not now edit the draft text in each chapter as
I go along but will work through the whole book when it is finished. Will I ?
Chapter One has 22,982 words. Chapter Two has 17,789 words. So far there are
14,879words in Chapter Three. That's a word total of 55,560 words, about half
way towards finishing the story. How many typos are there in all that ? I would
estimate about five hundred, could be more. If anyone were to read the text in
its present form they would give up within the first few pages. Printed out on
to A4 paper there are 164 pages.
Yesterday I made a promise. I am opening my heart a bit with this diary entry
and sharing my promise so by telling lots of people I have to keep it ! I
promise to write at least five hundred words for
The Bridge House
every day. Yesterday I sat out in the sunshine and scribbled into my notebook
what I think will be about six hundred words once they are typed up and added to
the story. No matter what the circumstances I will keep my promise and
write something, five hundred words, every day.
Probably on Wednesday I will dig very deep into my pocket to buy a new black
ink cartridge for my printer and a pack of paper the print off all of
The Bridge House
text. I will go through this, correct the errors on the paper then work through
the on-line text. I am not sure how long that will take but it will be done.
Chapter One ends abruptly. It does so for no other reason than I did not want
to go through cliché after cliché describing the sinking of RMS Titanic. Chapter
Two does not have quite so abrupt an ending but it does leave some lose ends. It
had been my thinking that when Chapter Three reached its end everything would
conclude to allow Lily to move on into the next stage of her life. I am going to
end that chapter very abruptly. There will be some things which will be picked
up in Chapter Four but Chapter Three will have a sudden ending. That ending will
be the death of Lily's son Billy.
Lily was my grandmother.
The Bridge House is
partly the story of her life although there is a thick wrapping of my author's
imagination surrounding it all. In telling the story I am not simply writing a
biography of my grandmother, I am not just trying to relate the events she lived
through. What I want to do is to help the reader understand what it was like to
have lived during the years my grandmother was alive.
The original idea for the story, an idea I came up with in the early weeks of
this year, would see it end early in 1983 when my daughter Rebekah was born.
Lily lived to the age of 94 and died a year later. That is no longer going to be
the way the story ends. I do not want to tell you how it ends but all of the
chapter endings will be brought together in the book's conclusion and will make
complete sense as my style of writing and chapter endings will become apparent.
Disciplining myself to devote time each day to my writing, both with
The Bridge House and
here with my diary will, in part, help me put a better balance in my life. As
the days progress and more diary entries are written you will see if this plan
is working or not.